REAL LIFE/REAL DEATH Chapter Fifteen

"GONGS OF A BELL"

“JESUS CHRIST, FRANK!”

I slammed the car door behind me, sending shards of broken glass everywhere. I stomped off in no particular direction.

“Frank, for the love of Christ, where are you going?” Sandy shouted.

I heard the other car door slam shut and a few seconds later Sandy was pacing me. “Frank, will you just stop for a second.”

“No,” I said, “I’m done. I’m leaving. You’re right. I’m a fucking bastard. I know. It’s not a secret.”

“So, you punch out my car window? What is wrong with you?”

I finally stopped walking and turned to her. “I don’t know,” I said, raising my voice. “I don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with me. All I know is that I ruin everything I touch. I thought I was going to try and do the right thing for once, and it just fucked everything up even more.”

“Frank, please, just…here, let me get the glass out of your hand.”

That’s when I realized that my left hand was dripping blood. “Fuck, Goddamn it,” I said. It hadn’t really sunk in yet that I smashed the window with my fist. “I’m fucking sorry about your window, doll. See, everything I touch is ruined.”

“Frank, will you just shut up for one second!” she snapped.

I shut up, more out of shock than anything else.

She began pulling pieces of glass out of my knuckles while I tried to stop some of the bleeding with my handkerchief. “Frank, I know you’re unhappy. I want to help you, but I don’t know what else I can do. You’ve always been so distant…”

“I’ve been distant!” I cut her off, “I’m not the one who’s bringing a different guy home with me from the strip club every few weeks.”

“Well what do you expect me to do, Frank? I’m not going to just wait around for the few moments you’re in the mood. I’m a person too, Frank, and I have my own life to live.”

“And your own mistakes to make.”

“Yeah, that’s right, I’ve made mistakes. But I made them. I may not be living the life I expected to live, but it’s my life. I’m responsible for everything I’ve done, and I don’t blame anyone else but me.”

“I just didn’t want to ruin things. We had something good, I was too scared to change it.”

“Frank, I understand that you never got over your marriage ending, but you can’t keep living in the past.”

Her words echoed inside my head like gongs of a bell. Deep down, I already knew everything she was saying, but sometimes you just need it spelled out in front of your face before you can really see it. We stood in silence while she cleaned up my hand as best she could, using the handkerchief as a makeshift bandage.

“I know it’s all my fault,” I finally said, “I know I’m not a good person, but I try to change. Or at least every time I think I do, I end up doing something stupid.”

Sandy couldn’t think of anything to say, and I could see that it was tearing her up inside. I never gave her a chance to say anything anyway.

“It seems I’ve just been fucking things up my entire life. My job, my marriage, my daughter. I just thought…I just thought I’d make up for that my helping Jennifer. Or, maybe not make up for it, but just…I don’t know. You’re right, it won’t change what happened.”

Sandy breathed out a loud sigh of relief and said, “but that doesn’t mean Jennifer won’t need your help.”

She was right, as usual. And just as I was thinking that, I heard those exact words repeated in my ears out of the mouth of a stranger.

“She’s right,” said the stranger. “Night Cat does need your help. We all do.”

The stranger stepped out from behind a large SUV and revealed himself. I assumed he was one of Jennifer’s superhero buddies, but he didn’t really look it. He wore a basic tan trench coat complete with matching tie, gloves and a fedora hat. He was wearing some large motorcycle goggles that doubled as a mask, I suppose. The fella looked like he crawled right out of a 1940’s newspaper strip, minus the digital watch on his left hand.

“Night Cat said we could trust you, but I’m sure you know how hard that can be these days, so I wanted to check you out for myself before we let you up. You can call me The Watchman.”

“I’m Frank,” I said, “this is Sandy.”

“Night Cat said you used to be a cop, that you know still have some connections with the police. Is that true?”

“Yes.” I said plainly.

“Good, why don’t you come upstairs with me, we have a lot to talk about.”

REAL LIFE/REAL DEATH Chapter Fourteen

“EASY CHOICES”

We were parked outside of large, fancy hotel, I don’t remember which one.

The anonymity of being one out of hundreds of parked cars was a little comforting. Jennifer had gone inside to see if the others were still checked in. Apparently this place was their de facto hideout. Whoever chose this place must have had money to throw around. She said it was one of her teammates, the one that paid for all their plane tickets. I found it suspicious, that’s for sure, if for no other reason than the generosity.

Sandy and I sat in silence. I couldn’t say anything to her. What was I supposed to say? I had a whole new realization. I could see what our relationship was all along, nothing more than an easy thing. What really upset me was that I had gotten really accustomed to it. I guess I was beginning to treat it like a second marriage. But it was easier because we didn’t have to see each other all the time.

“Frank…listen,” she started, “about what happened back there. I swear, I didn’t…It wasn’t supposed to happen like that.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I know the score. Pete got me drunk, got my car away from me, then dropped me off for you to keep busy ‘til the other guys came for the pick up. Right?”

“Frank, Gurly didn’t tell me anything. He just said I was supposed to keep you busy. He said…he said you’d be better off this way. “

“Better off in what way? I could have just crawled back into the bottle and forgotten about the whole thing, right? Go back to being the pathetic, drunken fuck up. That’d be better for everyone, huh? Well fuck, he’s probably right. It wouldn’t have been that hard. Feels like I been doing that my whole life. But I’ll tell you one thing, that girl wouldn’t have been better off. What about her? How am I supposed to live with that?”

I must have raised my voice a little because she screamed at me next. “Don’t fucking yell at me!” she said, “You never cared about anyone but yourself as long as I known you, and now all the sudden you gotta do right by this girl? She’s not your daughter, Frank! You abandoned her ten years ago, and helping out Jennifer is not going to make up for that!”

Every decision we make, every choice we are given, we have to struggle with what our intelligence tells us is right, and what our impulse tells us to do. For some people, it’s no choice at all, as the two are one in the same. For others though, like myself, it’s a constant struggle, and the easier of the two choices is usually taken. It’s not that I don’t want to be a better person, it’s that somewhere along the way, I got to a point where I felt I didn’t deserve to be a better person and just let my impulses carry my decisions.

The last time my ex-wife spoke to me like Sandy just did; she left with a broken nose. She took our daughter with her and I’ve never spoken to either of them since. Now, I’m a man who can recognize his own faults no matter how much he tries not to, but that doesn’t mean I like to hear them. I could feel my mind racing and my fists clenching.

REAL LIFE/REAL DEATH Chapter Thirteen

“SHARON”

Her scream drowned out the other sounds of the night.

It was hard to tell exactly what was going on. Between the flashing lights of the squad car, the piercing beam of the handheld flashlight, and all my regular anxieties brought on by the usual city night life, I was finding it hard to focus. But what I can tell you is that within seconds, Jennifer and I were running down the street in front of the apartment complex. She left the two cops on the ground, no doubt calling for backup, if it wasn’t already on the way.

We didn’t get half way down the street when a car sped past us from behind, squealing to a halt just in front of us. My heart sank because I thought it must have been Ross. But I paused in surprise when Sandy jumped out of the driver side door and screamed, “What are you waiting for? Get in!”

I rushed into the passenger seat and Jennifer climbed in the back. I was breathing pretty heavily. Sandy hadn’t really entered my mind since the guns started firing, and now that I was thinking about it, I wasn’t sure if I should be trusting her. Shit, I didn’t know what I should be doing anymore.

I don’t know if I really loved Sandy, but whatever we had, it was as close to love as I was capable of getting. Emotionally, I couldn’t handle the idea of her selling me out. But the more I tossed it around in my head, the less impossible it seemed. I mean, why wouldn’t she? It’s not like she has anything invested in me. I’m just a lonely old fucker who gives her attention whenever he needs a lay. I don’t deserve her love. I don’t deserve anybody’s love. Not since my marriage with Sharon ended. Christ, I haven’t even thought her name in forever, not since Sandy came into the picture. So fuck it, I know what you’re thinking and you’re probably right. I was just using Sandy to help forget Sharon. I knew that. Sandy knew it too, I’m sure. Maybe she didn’t believe it, but deep down she knew it.

So yeah, how can I blame her for selling me out? I’m sure she got enough money for it. Lord knows she could use more money. Then again, who couldn’t? Were I in her position, I can’t say I wouldn’t have thought it over.

“Frank!” Sandy yelled, interrupting my thoughts. “Jesus fuck, Frank! I’m trying to talk to you here!”

“Sorry, was just thinking about some stuff,” I solemnly responded.

“Well, you better start thinking about what you’re going to do now. Jesus, what happened to those cops back there?

“That’s a good question.” I said, turning around to see if Jennifer was even in the car. She sat with her head down, like a dog who knew she was in trouble and about to get whipped.

“It was his ring,” she finally said. “He was wearing a ring on his right hand. It was the same ring I saw two nights ago when Azul died.”

“His ring? It could have been a wedding ring,” I said flippantly.

“No, I saw his hand pick up the brief case. It belonged to the same man that killed Azul. It was him. I know it.”

“You didn’t say anything about no ring before.”

“It was there, okay?” she screamed, “I saw it. I swear it was him.”

“Do you realize what you’re saying? You’re saying a cop was involved in a drug deal and killed your friend who was a witness,” I said.

“That’s crazy,” exclaimed Sandy.

“No, it’s not,” I confessed, “Koslowski is as crooked as they come. Fuck, of course. It had to be him, that’s why he was riding me the other day. He’s looking for the other witnesses. That’s why Gurly was playing along with him. I bet it was Gurly’s money. Koslowski was going to give the money back in exchange for the girl. Aw fuck. This is fucked. We got to find somewhere to go.”

“I know where to go,” Jennifer whispered.

“What?” I asked, “Where do you know?”

“Well, see, we had a rendezvous. The team, I mean, in case we got separated, we had a secret meeting place.”

“What? Why didn’t you say anything about this before?” I shouted.

“I don’t know. I didn’t want to go back, after Azul got shot. I didn’t know if I could trust you.”

“You didn’t know if you could trust ME?” I shouted even louder.

“Frank, Jesus, she was scared, okay. Leave her alone,” Sandy said.

“Alright, your right. Fine. Shit. Let’s meet up with them. If they’re even still there. Maybe they all came to their senses and got outta town. I hope they got some more information. If this is turning out to be what I think it is, we’re going to need more witnesses, or we’re going to be spending a lot of time in prison. If we’re lucky.”

Admittedly, I felt some relief from having some sense of direction finally, but it was undercut by one other thing.

Detective Ross was going to be pissed.